Extreme Pointless
by Ara-chelly
Summary: Ok so this is my first fic on this site. It's a pointless fic that I wrote bc I was bored. Please R&R P
1. Limbo

Chapter 1: Limbo

**Chapter 1: Limbo**

Disclaimer: Ok, I don't own LOTR... If I did, Legolas and myself would rule the world and I would be your dark and beautiful queen Mwa ha ha ha... ahem Sorry about that.

Anyway here's the lowdown on this fic: AU I guess, and funny and as Story title explains, extremely pointless (I got bored during school and this first challenge saved me from English and Biology). There's no journey or anything but everyone who started out on the quest (including Boromir) are all friends (don't ask me how they met, use your imagination!) on a pointless game show. R&R author's break-ins. **Bold** is the faceless announcer guy

"**Welcome to the premiere of Extreme Pointless!** I told you it was a pointless show. **This is the game show where our victims, I mean, our contestants, do random things for our grand prize!"**

"Hey," called Frodo, "I never signed up for this! You kidnapped us!"

"**No, we didn't."**

"Yes, you did!"

"**No, we didn't."**

"Yes, you did!"

"**No, we didn't."**

"Yes, you did!"

"**No, we... Can we get this guy a muzzle or something?" **Sound of scuffles in the background, then silence. **"Thank you. As I was saying, some of the events our guests will undertake might be dangerous, but don't worry, folks, **_**I**_** won't be harmed, ha ha. Now to our first challenge..."**

Scene shift to a grassy field with a tarp hiding something underneath.

"**Bring out our guests!"** Out marches Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Gandalf, and Sméagol, in that order. They are all visibly muzzled and chained, guarded on both sides by orcs armed with arrows, swords, etc. (No, we took Gandalf's staff away; No, we took all weapons away; and yes, the orcs do obey me. I mean, geez, do you want my captives to run away? How inconsiderate! ;) )

"**Release them, but don't let them escape!" **Orcs unchain and un-gag 'guests',** "Now the first challenge is...,"**Orc removes tarp, **"Limbo!"**

"What!" Captives cry out in unison.

"**Hey, I said ****some****might**** be dangerous and ****all**** are random. Now start the music and line up in order of height... Not you, you stupid orcs!"** The faceless announcer guy shouted at the orcs trying to size themselves up.

"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack go under limbo stick..." Sméagol led the way walking straight under the stick, followed by the four hobbits, the dwarf, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf. (Of course, their doing this... they're smart, they don't want to die)

"**Well now, that was too easy. Lower it 5 notches! Round 2!" **

2 hours pass... wow, these guys are pretty flexible, aren't they?

"**Round 37."**

Sméagol bent backwards, along with the hobbits, Gimili, and Aragorn. When Boromir came, he fell flat on his butt.

"**Ooh, we have our first loser, folks, and for being our first loser, he gets a prize."**

"Really?" the human asked the voice.

"**Yes, you get your very own orc! Come on out, Dsxlythumifmpiil!"** (pronounced Allan)

An orc appears with a sword and starts after Boromir.

"Aaah!" screaming, he runs off the screen, Dsxlythumifmpiil chasing after him.

"**Well, that's all for today. Come back tomorrow for our Second Challenge!"**

Scene fades on orcs binding rest of contestants and taking them away.

A/N: I probably won't skip out on challenges from now on unless they are just boring. If you want a full account of rounds 2-36, give me a buzz. Please review. If you don't, I think I might just go sit in a corner and cry, then take this story off of then cry some more, then sic my realm friends on all you who didn't review! (BTW, "realm friends" is a type of inside joke, if you don't get it, oh well, too bad for you. I might tell you though, if I'm in a good mood and I feel like it in a later ch.)

Frodo: Help she has me and Legolas captured!

Chell, away from keyboard: Who took off his muzzle? Oh I'm still on... ok ignore that. Again, please review. Constructive criticism encouraged... (fading) Frodo, sweetie, Legolas, darling, I'm coming!


	2. Twister

Chapter 1: Limbo

**Chapter 2: Twister**

Hey everyone, back again. Sorry it took so long, I just didn't feel like writing lately and then when I did have it finished, I didn't feel like putting it up, ya know to extremitize the suspense filled drama. He he well on to the story! Please R&R!

"**Welcome back for another round of Extreme Pointless! Today's challenge is one of the most mind- numbing and challenging of them all... Bring out our contestants!"**

Marching onto the screen is the remainder of the group, still gagged and chained. They looked up, fearful of the weirdness that lay ahead.

"**Ok, are you guys ready for the most excruciating challenge?" **

A loud chorus of muffled _no's _echoed and some orcs started moving their weapons expectantly.

"**Good, now then bring out the mat!" **A rather large orc appears carrying what looks like a white box. **"This challenge is called **_**Twister**_**!"**

The orcs removed the chains but as they started to remove the gags, the elf started yelling: "Help, please someone, they're starving us!"

"**Ok, gags back on! And folks, don't worry, we feed them...(mumbles) memo to self, get them some lembas bread soon... (normal voice) Alright then, I shall be the official spinner, so you'll just have to listen to me. The first one who falls is the loser, sorry, but we have no more going away presents if you lose, only if you're the winner. Anyway, get ready, get set, and... Sméagol, left foot red!" **

"Sméagol don't know which is left. Yesss we's do, but we wants our preciousss. No! Sméagol good, Sméagol listen to master. Kind master, master doesn't let any bad comes to poor Smé..."

"**Get on with it!" **Muttering, the deformed hobbit put his left foot on red.

"**Frodo, left hand green!" **Frodo obeyed, although he didn't appear too happy about it.

"**Sam, right hand blue." **Hesitating, Sam did and started whispering to his employer.

"Sorry Mr. Frodo, I'll fall right now. That way I can figure out a way to save you and come back, perhaps even with Boromir, if he's killed that orc."

"Sam, no!" but it was too late. Samwise Gamgee fell and everyone had a look of horror on their face, except Sméagol, of course.

"**Now Mr. Gamgee, what do you suppose we do with cheaters who lose on purpose?"**

"Let them go, I hope?"

"**Well, you're close. We don't tolerate cheaters, so they don't get to compete for the prize and they get chased off the set. I hope you brought your running shoes, Sam, cause you won't be able to stop until you are at least a mile away from here." **Two orcs lunged at Sam as he began his leave. The others shouted until gags were put back in their mouths.

"**Sorry folks, guess we'll have to end here now, don't worry, we'll make sure that they don't try to lose on purpose again. Tune in next time for another Extreme Pointless challenge!"**

A/N: Sorry it's so short but I couldn't think of good events to happen. Anyway, R&R, and flames are welcome to come, because it makes jerks like jerks I know feel good to burn someone's work, of course I'll read it, then I'll throw it in the trash b/c I really don't care if you don't like it but only if you do. But as I said it makes them feel good to write them, so until I put up another chappie, sayonara!


	3. Shoe Hunting

Chapter 1: Limbo

**Chapter 3: Shoe Hunting**

Okies weeeelllll I must have another disclaimer so I shall not be sued for the two hay pennies I own and my llama and my beans... Soooooooo... Idon'townLOTRandInevershall...That wasn't so hard... falls down. Oon tooo the storyyyyy...

PS to those of you who know... (which is only one person who really gets this...) SPAM IS KAWAII!

PPS AND SO IS AIR!;P

**We are back for another round of Extreme Pointless! Will our contestants please step forth? **Captives are shown, and Legolas, Gimli, and Frodo are unconscious and have to be rolled out by the orcs.

**Thank you, but will someone please wake our guests? They won't want to miss this challenge!**

Orcs get buckets of ice cold water and throw them on the unconscious. The three awake screaming in surprise.

**Well, now, we can finally get started you sleepy-heads! I bet you're all dying to find out what our next challenge is, right?**

Everyone: "NO!"

**Good! Well, if you'll look over to your left, you'll see a hill type tarp and under it, the next challenge awaits you! Sfillioumirnsokm** (pronounced Norman)**, if you'll remove the covering! **As the orc removes the tarp... **Our third challenge is... Shoe Hunting!**

Complete silence descends the group as utter confusion sets in on all... including the orcs who are so stupid, they don't even get that hand sign on how to tell your left hand from your right, let alone get the meaning of this pointless game.

**I take it that from the looks on all of your faces that you have no idea what to do, right? Well, don't worry, I'll explain. In this pile are your shoes, or for those of you who don't own any shoes, we assigned you some. All you have to do is find your pair before anyone else finds theirs. The winner gets an extra bonus surprise!**

"What is it that the winner gets?" Pippin asked suspiciously, remembering Boromir's winning surprise.

**Hey, that's why they call it a surprise. You'll find out if you win... or maybe you'll find out even if you don't win, hey we'll just have to see! Now, you'll each get handed a photo of the shoes you're to find... you have half and hour to find them... and just so you know, there are 1, 275, 037 shoes in the pile, so good luck and START!**

"WAIT!" Frodo called out, "We haven't gotten our photos yet!"

**Well, you might want to because now you only have 27 minutes left!**

The "contestants" ran to the orcs and grabbed a photo. Gandalf tried to analyze the picture while Pippin jumped headfirst into the pile of shoes.

Coming back up, he yelled, "Eww, disgusting, it smells." Then dived back in. Everyone else took a good look and stared tossing shoes everywhere.

A few minutes later, Aragorn held one arm victoriously up in the air. "I've found one!"

**Good, now keep going or you won't win!**

With the glaring eyes of everyone else on him, including the orcs, who by the way, were picking up random shoes and trying them on, he went back to looking for the other shoe.

Gandalf was picking up the shoes one-by-one and looking them over then putting them down in an orderly fashion, he's only gotten to 12 shoes. Pippin was still somewhere in the pile, probably dying of suffocation. Merry had abandoned the shoe search to look for Pippin. Sméagol was crawling over the pile looking at the shoes but not picking them up. Legolas was daintily picking up one shoe at a time and flinging them out of his way. Gimli was hacking at the pile with his axe. Frodo was looking at three shoes at a time and tossing them away, inadvertently hitting his friends.

This went on for another 20 minutes. Everyone except Merry, Gandalf, and perhaps Pippin, he was still lost, had found one of the shoes they needed. Then at 2 minutes and 23 seconds left, Aragorn called out.

"I found it! I've got both shoes! What do I get, besides outta here?" He held up both shoes and looked at (?) the faceless announcer guy.

**Well, it does seem like you won, and it doesn't look like you cheated, so your parting gift is... the lovely Éowyn!** The rest of the group looked over at Aragorn, waiting to see what he would do.

"I can't accept this! I'm married to Arwen!"

**Oh well, looks like Arwen will just have to make room for Éowyn, because, dude, you're stuck with her. It's in you contract.**

"I never signed a contract!"

**Of course you did. I myself saw the forging... I mean signing. So now you must take her with you.**

Grumbling, Aragorn took an unhappy Éowyn by the wrist and stomped off, muttering under his breath, "Arwen is going to kill me."

The curtain fell, Pippin's feet still sticking out of the pile.

**Time for everyone else to go back to their cells... I mean their rooms. Come back next week for another rendition of ****Extreme Pointless****!**

A/N: Ok, I know some of you guys are going to try to kill me for Legolas. I heart Legolas, but you've got to admit, he does make a good drama queen. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! ahem Anyway, that's all folks. So long and good night! Til next time. Auf vidersein, farwell, sayonara, au revoir, adios, bye-bye, see ya, and GOTTA BLAST!


	4. Middle Earth Idol

Chapter 1: Limbo

**Chapter 4: Middle-Earth Idol**

A/N: Well, I was wondering, what random thing could I have them do in this chapter. Then the answer came to me… A Middle-Earth rendition of American Idol. It was so brilliant. I thought, all I needed would be the songs and someone to play Randy, Paula, and Simon, but I got stuck with these three… well read on and find out who…oh and I took a hint from _RiseAgainPhoenix_, I shall now only update during the week. Too many people do it on the weekends. Oh and I highly recommend her trilogy _Alphonso the Ring, Alphonso the Ring II, _and _Alphonso the Ring III_. Oh and I recommend _mbus55 __Things as They Should Be: By Legolas_.

Disclaimer: All of the LOTR cast belongs to JRR Tolkien and whoever else owns the rights… And the songs used in this chapter are not mine either…blah, of course, if LOTR was mine, well, let's just say Extreme Pointless is a walk in the park compared to what I'd do to them Muahahaha! Ahem Anyway, back to our regular programming…

PS: I really need to thank _Draco's Daughter_ for sticking with me…she and CD Anders, but CD, ya don't need to be recognized, you're my bff, you would read my fics, even if I didn't force you!! But seriously, thank you _Draco's Daugher_!! You gave my first good review!! And to you, _Navaer Lalaith_, you gave me my first flame!! You may have flamed me, but I shall write on.

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**Welcome to another day of Extreme Pointless**.** Today is a very special day! Today, you our viewers get to decide what you would like to see everyone do!! Bring out the contestants!**

Sméagol led the others out.

"Oi! What are we doing today?" called Pippin, sounding rather excited, surprisingly. His tone of voice earned him a glare from everyone else.

**Well, I was just getting to that! Let's let our viewers decide! There are three choices! Walking a tightrope, Karoke, or skydiving! You choose! Just call 1-999-EXTREME! Again the number is 1-999-EXTREME! Call within the next ten minutes and let's see what you've chosen!**

Ten minutes later:

**Okay, we've let you decide what you think they should do, Grflicdhtsk-skiiethnd (**pronounced Dexter) **Put up the polls!**

A chart appears and the bars read: 6 for tightrope walking, 27 for skydiving, and 67 for karaoke.

**Looks like we have a winner, folks! Karaoke contest it is! And now we must give the contestants a few minutes to put their songs together. In the meantime, enjoy this commercial break!**

Three orcs appear onstage and began a very complicated tap-dancing routine. Well, at least, it would have been complicated except that because they're orcs and couldn't handle anything above an IQ of -6, it wasn't. Actually it started out pretty good, until the first beat, then they started bumping into each other and falling over.

**Okay, well that's enough of that, I believe that our viewers have had enough of your… er… dance, if that's what you call it. **The orcs limped offstage, glaring at each other and hitting each other. **Well, our contestants have chosen the songs of their choice, and here is contestant number one… Gimili with the song… "It Happens Every Time" by Dreamstreet?**

Gimili walked onstage with a mike in his hand and when the opening came on, he got a glazed look in his eyes.

"'Can you hear the music playin'? Can you feel the rythym swayin'?'" I believe everyone in the audience was too dumbstruck to boo or anything… "'This is the sound of dreams come true. And I can promise you that you are the one and only, and I'm the lost and lonely. We are the perfect dream come true, and I can promise you that I hear a silly love song in my heart. It happens every time when I see you. It happens every time when I think of you. It happens every time. Oh it's magic when we meet. Baby, down on dream street…'" Slowly everyone regained conciousness and started booing.

**Ahem, yes, well, it looks like you're done for now, Gimili.** Gimili reached behind for his axe when he realized that it was still in the clutches of whoever was running the show.** Judges, what do you think?** Three orcs are sitting at a table in front of the audience (where they came from, I don't know… Perhaps I should make it a habit to lock doors…) The orc on the far left gave some indistinguishable grunts, promptly answered by the middle orc, a female. (Here's another thing I don't know: How to distinguish male orcs from female… but somehow, it's a female) And then all three started grunting at once.

**Ok, well you heard them. Even though I can't understand Orcese, I don't need to in order to know that that stunk! You lose! Back to the cell for you… uh, I mean room. Anyway, here's our next contestant, Gandalf with his rendition of "Witchy Woman" by The Eagles!**

Gandalf strolled onto the stage, past Gimili who was muttering under his breath in Dwarfish. "Ahem, if you please, let us begin."

Music started playing and Gandalf bent his head low. "'Raven hair and ruby lips sparks fly from her finger tips Echoed voices in the night she's a restless spirit on an endless flight wooo hooo witchy woman, see how high she flies…'" Just as he was about to get into it, the female orc started grunting something. The music cut and Gandalf was annoyed.

"Obviously, you wouldn't know talent if it came up to you and hit you in your face then started dancing in your eye." He walked off without another word.

**Oookaaay… Well, here's our next hopeful, Sméagol singing "Ay Amor" by…Anna Gabrielle?**

Hobbling onstage, Sméagol hissed in his normal raspy voice, "It's pronounced _Ah_-na Gab-_rr_iel, precioussss."

He took hold of the mike and threw it back. "Sméagol don't need this." As the music started, he, like Gimili, got a strange look in his eye. Then in a clear tenor voice "_'Te encuentro de nuevo Me inquieto y no puedo Fingir te da lo mismo Tu paciencia frente a mí Frente a mí Miradas casuales Que aumentan latidos Y__el tiempo se hace corto Si te tengo junto a mí_…'" (how he can sing in a tenor, another thing I don't know) The audience was dumbstruck by the beauty of Smégol's singing voice. Until the song ended, no one said, or grunted, a word. After he was done, Sméagol took a short bow and crawled offstage. After about 30 seconds, the entire audience and orcs burst into cheering.

**Well, that was perhaps the best singing we've heard all day, of all people…er…hobbits…er creature, and in Spanish! I think that we might already have our winner, but we must hear everyone else's. Dumb contract…Here's Merry with "Change the World" from the hit anime, **_**Inuyasha**_**.**

Merry walked up muttering to himself. "Why did he have to go and sing a song in another language? Now everyone's gonna think that I copied off of him."

**May we please get on with it?**

"Whatever," Merry huffed. "'I want to change the world _kaze wo kakenukete nanimo osorezu ni_

_ima yuuki to egao no KAKERA daite _Change my mind _jounetsu tayasazu ni takanaru mirai e_

_te wo nobaseba kagayakeru hazu sa _It's wonderland…'" It would've been good, if anyone else had been singing it.

The audience cried out, "Bring back the dwarf!" Merry stopped before the music did, burst into tears and ran off.

**Umm…okay. Well, here's Legolas with "Dancing Queen" by Abba**.

Legolas strolled onstage in an outrageous, purple and green sequined 80's outfit, Complete with bellbottomed pants and a v-cut long sleeve with the cut all the way down to the middle of his chest and purple platform shoes. "Would you please begin? My fans are waiting." Somewhere an orc sarcastically grunted and music started. "'You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen Friday night and the lights are low Looking out for the place to go…'" Legolas isn't a very good singer anyway's, but what didn't even get him through the first verse like the others: his dancing! A cane appeared and pulled him out off the stage. Everyone cheered at this.

**That's something I never wanted to see. But moving on! Here's Frodo with…er…are you sure this is right? Oh, well, here's Frodo singing "Oops!...I Did It Again" by Brittany Spears. Get the cane ready…**

"Hey, I resent that!" Frodo yelled, walking up. The music started. "'yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I think I did it again I made you believe we're more than just friends Oh baby It might seem like a crush But it doesn't mean that I'm serious 'Cause to lose all my senses That is just so typically me Oh baby, baby…'" Again, the cane came and everybody cheered when it took Frodo away.

**Okay well here's our final contestant, folks! Pippin singing "Pippin's Song" from the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Soundtrack? Is it legal to sing your own song? It is, well, okay then. Come on up, Pippin!**

"Umm, okay, here I go," Pippin said nervously. "Home is behind The world ahead And there are many paths to tread Through shadow To the edge of night Until the stars are all alight Mist and shadow Cloud and shade All shall fade All shall…fade." Quietly, he bowed his head as a tear slid down.

Suddenly, the crowd stood up in a standing ovation!

Through a gruff voice, the faceless announcer said **No contest! Pippin is our winner** Sniffling, he or she regained their composure. **And we have a going away present for you!**

Looking up, Pippin asked what, slightly wary. **It's your very own karaoke machine! Now get out of here so I can go cry… I mean, get ready for the next show. **Grabbing his new karaoke machine, Pippin ran. **Until next time, remember that here, it's always random…**he starts sobbing, **That was so beautiful…**

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A/N: Okay, this chapter is my least favorite, I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong with it… if anyone finds anything wrong, please, in your review, tell me so I can fix it!! Thank you for you time…Until we meet again, "Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I should say goodnight 'til it be morrow." I love Shakespeare, anyway, until my next pointless chappie!! I love you all!! Oh and before I forget…TAYLOR HICKS WON AMERICAN IDOL!! Jumps around hysterically I'm so happy. I think he deserved it!! Hee, I just had to get that out…oh well, bye bye all!

A/N about A/N: Oh, my goodness… It's been a while since I wrote this chapter… I'm really sorry I didn't post it sooner so it would be along with current news… but if it makes you feel better, Taylor Hick's CD is out… I guess it's kinda in sync with the time…not really…no…please review anyway, even if it's to comment on my idiocy on not updating for, like, ever.


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